Tuesday, January 22, 2008

uh oh

last night i awoke from pleasant dreams with a fire in the nether-regions of my throat. you know what i'm talking about-- it's the kind of sore throat that makes you want to cry and ask "why me?" my throat got sore the night before, and was uncomfortable that morning, but i forgot about it for most of the day. but then i ran my mouth a whole lot, and that's why i think what was previously a scratchy tonsil transformed into a deep-throated furnace. i was torn between further entrenching myself in my warm blankets and getting up to find a remedy. i was tired. i wanted nothing more than to be asleep again. but then i checked my watch and found that it was only 1:50 (it felt like 4am). so i dragged myself out of bed and started going through the pantry for something--anything-- that might help. i thought that maybe i had bought some soup months ago that i'd forgotten about. i found mac and cheese in the freezer and noted that. but when inspiration struck, and i checked a lower cabinet for canned goods, i found the thing to do the trick. there, behind a cadre of canned peaches, sat a lone can of spaghettios, expiration summer 08. i decanted them into a tupperware container and heated them up. it's not that i'm a huge fan of spaghettios, although it's evidently a good thing that i don't mind eating them. for a sore throat, there's nothing better than something warm and viscous (bonus points for saltiness or spiciness) delivered directly to the offending area. and that's how i found myself eating spaghettios at 2am this morning.

Monday, January 14, 2008

tick tock

in other news...

i spent the afternoon reading my brains out at borders, so much that i pretty much just stumbled home in a spatial and temporal warp, but anyways... it still managed to occur to me, as i stood on the BART platform at embarcadero just how fast 11 minutes can just whiz by. how many 11 minutes of my life have come and gone as i've stared at the wall in a stupor? time is a slippery customer at the best of times, and especially when it's spent waiting for the next ride. even when the wait seems interminable... from the longest 3 minutes EVER to the longest 30-minutes-in-the-cold-that-should-have-only-been-5-minutes EVER, it's like... damn, those minutes are come and gone forEVER, and at the end of my life, those are the ones that I'm gonna want returned to me because I always forget or decide not to bring a book. today's 11 minutes went faster than usual (often, you'll find me rolling my eyes incessantly) because i had mentally prepared myself by mishearing the announcement as "1 minute" and when I found out I was wrong, quickly steeled myself against disappointment by saying "whatever, I have my ipod." and then good-bye to 11 minutes of my life. they went so fast, and then next thing you know, i'm sitting in a dark tunnel wondering why the heck the train stopped moving. and then, with no explanation, we moved again, and from there it was smooth sailing all the way home.

the story this time had nothing to do with anywhere i had to BE (though, if you want to be fair about it, i was tired, dazed, hungry, and needed to pee), but the fact that there was nowhere else i COULD be, because if i wanted to be anywhere else, then i would just have to continue waiting.

and i thought that if i ever figured out just how much of my life i have spent and will be spending during an interim, i might be awed, or philosophical, or indifferent. but there's also the likelihood that i'd be quite depressed, and so i'm going to refrain from any calculations to that end for the time being.


oh my god, i just ate a whole personal pizza and the last quarter of that falafel wrap. i'm perfectly aware that it wasn't *that* much, but i was only planning on eating half the pizza and it's almost 10:00. it's just that whoever buys groceries for my grandparents bought like 10 (more?) Celeste single serving pizzas the other day and only 3 of them would fit in the freezer. we ate three of them for my breakfast/their lunch that day, and the rest have been sitting in the refrigerator. so i'm trying to help get rid of them before they become unfit to eat but get fed to me anyway. By the way, I don't know why it is, but Celeste is like the only brand of personal pizzas that they sell at Safeway or something. It's more akin to the pizza you'd get in elementary school or the skating rink than anything anyone the least bit discerning would order of their own volition, but I guess since these people hold a monopoly in the frozen foods aisle, and random people still insist on buying it, that's what we're stuck with over here. Sigh.

Sunday, January 13, 2008


On the bus today, I got to thinking about parts of my back-story and my resume and all those things that, at face value, make me sound pretty good. And then I thought about why I can't account for the fact that most of the time, I don't feel like I'm actually as good as I sound.

At Sam's on New Year's Eve, I made up a resolution that was actually more of a goal. It was a good goal, but not a good resolution. But now I have both a goal and a resolution, and here they are:

My 2008 New Year's Resolution: To sound good and be as good as I sound.

My Goal for 2008: To once again become a functional and contributive member of society.

Haha! That's it! I just thought I should write it down somewhere.

The day that went its own way

I had a good day today, the first truly good one in a while, and certainly the best since Tuesday, which is good, cuz I needed it. There was a reason I didn't want to get out of bed today... it might have been an interesting dream, or it was just that I was so darn comfortable (and resentful that someone had called the REALLY loud phone in the living room this morning). But I got up. My plan was really just to check out the new Touchstone gym in Oakland, boulder for an hour or so to get my money's worth out of this month's membership, then get off the bus on College, check out some of the stores, then go home. When I saw that the sun came out today after all, I figured I had no excuses and got out of bed.

This morning I had cereal for breakfast. I bought this cereal back in September when I first came out here and just hadn't been in the mood to eat it until earlier this week. It's Kellogg's Smart Start, and it held up pretty well on top of the fridge all those months, though the texture of the cereal in its natural state is such that it could go a little stale with no real negative effects.

And then I left. I marched down to the 51 and rode it all the way to GWPW's convenient location on 20th. And then I went the wrong way. I swear the website directs you to turn right, but I'm not dumb enough to undermine my story by actually checking that fact at this point. So I went the wrong way on 20th, but was pretty happy about it, cuz I had my new playlist throwing some new acts at me, and I was enjoying the weather. Then I saw Lake Merritt and figured that I'd better turn around.

As soon as I started heading the right way, I saw a building with a honking big smokestack popping out of the top, and I said "OH. Okay." And within short order, I was there. It's a lot... smaller than I expected. I mean, it's not tiny, and it's not the first time I've been spatially misled by a climbing gym's website, but yeah. Actually, the top-rope area was pretty nice, but the bouldering wall's a little depressing if you're not particularly advanced. Or maybe if you're just not up to a challenge, which I wasn't really today. I tried to do a couple of the easier ones, but for pretty much all of them there just comes a point where you realize that the person who set the problem was at least half a foot taller than me. After a couple leaps of faith that brought me nothing but the fear that I would injure myself on the next one, I sat back to consider my options.

It was at this time that someone came up to me and asked if I went to Cornell. I'd forgotten that I was wearing my Cornell lounge pants, though sometimes that's why I wear things like that, and the Ithaca shirt, and so on. This fellow was an 04 grad who had also taken intro to rock climbing and had just picked up the sport seriously in May. He and his sister had come up from Palo Alto to check out the gym and meet the rest of their family. Long story short, I got a harness and top-roped with them for a while, and by the time I left, it was about 3. I had a really good time! The top-roped routes are long, though even the 5.10bB's are doable for me. But since the, uh, commitment was a bit more than I was used, to, about 3/4 of the way up my mind started wandering and I had to tell myself that obviously I could go the next few feet no matter how tired I was because come on, look at it. I did 3 routes and used my arms a lot, so while they're not very sore, I feel them more than I have in... wow, a really long time. Have we not been working ourselves very hard on Tuesdays? I don't know. But anyways. I decided it was time to go when I was less interested in climbing than I was in eating and I felt kinda weird being this outsider in this big fuzzy family gathering. They were a nice family though! At one point I got very self-conscious as I belayed my new friend, because I was terrified that I'd set up wrong and he'd plummet to his death as his parents, sisters, in-laws, and nieces looked on with their bags of almonds and dried apricots. But that didn't happen! AND the mom offered me dumplings to take home (which i declined).

I went back to the 51 stop and waited just long enough for me to get fed up and pull my book out of my backpack. The bus showed up within the paragraph. A few stops later, this woman got on... and... well, I was sitting sideways in one of the fold-down seats across from the rear door, not even halfway down the length of the bus. She came and parked herself right in front of me. It was a little jarring at first, but not a big deal until I realized that she actually had quite a few better options in terms of location and even seating on this not-very-crowded bus. I'd been considering giving my seat to her when I came to this realization. She didn't seem to physically need to sit down, but she was a bit unwieldy with her backpack between her legs and a big floral spray in one hand. And she was right in front of me, the ribbons from the bouquet were flapping in my face... within the confines of my personal space. It was just extremely disconcerting, more so when the girl next to me got off and there was just me and this woman in this large radius of totally empty space. Then, without warning, she turned and exited the bus. Very sudden. Kind of a relief. Now, this encounter was a lot less colorful than other public transit encounters I've had, but it was one of the first to actually just... irritate me.

I went "shopping" on College, and the only thing I really bought was a Street Spirit from a woman on the street. I went into Jeremys and considered getting a coat. I went into a very cute shop in which the items were just out of my price range... and also sort of useless seeing as how I have no apartment in which to display cute non-functional knick-knacks like felt rocks. I went into a recycled/organic/eco-friendly store which was absolutely adorable. I heard as song I liked, so the girl checked out the playlist for me, and returned that the band was Peter Bjorn & John, ironically. I saw a LOT of stuff I wanted, particularly a particular artist's metalwork, and a lot of the jewelry, and so on... so I decided to store that away for another time.

By this point, my stomach was doing a constant rumble. I'd passed Ici and wandered around the Italian food place and La Mediteranee, but held out... I wanted to get home to eat the other half of my falafel wrap from yesterday. I walked the rest of the way back, and around the last block started wondering if I'd be able to make it. My backpack had started really weighing me down in the first store and my head was... hurting. It still hurts, actually. But I made it, even though I forgot my key, and I ate half of the half of the falafel wrap and showered and felt nice.

And that was my day today. I encountered a lot of nice people, and the sun was out, and I did more than I thought I could do. Hooray!

The hair of the future

I saw it today. Today I saw the hair that I want and I stared at a girl on the bus (as surreptitiously as I could muster) until I could ascertain just how to get it. I think I've been presented with the same concept before, but the execution on this one was the best I've seen yet. She was asian and had some pretty stylin layers. One of the bottom layers though was alternately dyed different shades of pink and lavender, so the colors peeked out from the bottom, but didn't look trashy or anything. Well, at least not to me. But the point is, that one day... one day in the FUTURE, I will have that or a similar hairstyle, when I find myself in a comfortable and secure position. since it involves color... I may have to wait until I'm in school again. And then perhaps I'll follow it up with that faux hawk.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Found: awesome tv show and lover in a former life

The title for this post was originally going to be simply "found," but I figured I could dodge some ridicule this way. It's actually about LOST, that show that I used to watch and find myself watching again. What happened was that my harddrive was glutted after getting topped off with all the music I got over the holidays, so I was looking for ways that I could bear that would free up a few gigs. And then I realized that I had half of season 3 sitting on there in hefty mp4 format, and then I watched an episode and remembered that it was good. Also, considering how lame my life is now and how I'm constantly looking for entertainment with minimal effort to be expended by myself, well... one thing led to another and I finished the series and I really just need more.

Anyways, I know this subject is kind of boring, but I realized it's probably important for me to get this thing going again, since I'd never forgive myself later if I just let the precious momentos (siiiigh, it's a neologism, ok?) of my youth slip away without a fight.

And perhaps it seems boring at first until I disclose the abundance of vivid dreams I've had the past couple days (though I can't remember them in full, so it might remain boring for you, sorry). Last night, especially, after I finished the season, I kept waking myself up because I was trying to dream up season 4 and I dream-justified it as "not wanting to spoil anything." Also dreamt last night: terrifying car ride with my dad in my new car, on our way to arthur's birthday party, arthur's birthday party and some pretty weird guests, then party game in which teams build their miniature "dream garden" by bartering for found items. For example, you'd walk up to someone and ask for a lake and they might give you a small chunk of blue felt.

Hopefully this is the start of a beautiful new thing as I add some digital umami to my life as it is.

That is all.